I've been debating for a long time if I should write about what has been on my mind a lot lately. Especially on a public blog. But I believe in the therapeutic advantages to writing things out and I hope that there will be someone out there that might understand or relate.
I thought when I first found out that my world was going to fall apart. I cried and cried and Andy listened. Then I remembered the great Plan that my Heavenly Father has for all of His Children. For the past couple of months, things have sunk in and our family continues to live it's daily life. But recently, it really began to sink into a new level.
How could my parents be getting a divorce?
I've seen it happen to other people's parents, but I never thought it would happen to mine. Now this divorce is a very different divorce than many that I have witnessed. Let me explain why and I hope that through me writing this out, I will get some "personal" answers to why things like this happen to us in this life.
This August, our family will be remembering 6 years ago when my dad took a horrible fall up Little Cottonwood Canyon. He was rock climbing with Craig, my older brother, and fell 50 feet and landed on the ground by my brother's feet. This is when miracles unfolded. On the climb just over from them, there was a group of climbers that were training for Snowbird Ski Resort -Ski Patrol. Many of them were EMT's or retired Emergency Room doctors. Luckily their phones worked and they were able to get Craig out of the way and take care of my dad. He was life flighted to the LDS Hospital where he would end up spending a month and a half in recovery.
I remember Craig calling me and telling me that dad had fallen and that I needed to get Nick and get to the hospital as soon as possible. I hung up the phone with Craig and hit the floor crying. Through the sobs of tears, I had a distinct impression to pray. I crawled over to a bench in our office and said a very short but humble prayer. The answer? "Everything will be okay. Whether he lives or dies, everything will be okay." This gave me the courage to get Nick and to meet my family out at the hospital.
The next couple of weeks consisted of white hallways, hard chairs, and lots and lots of family and friends. My dad was not the same person from the moment he hit the ground in the Canyon and he has continued to differ from the dad that was once mine.
My dad would have horrible "Mood Swings", if you will, while he was in the hospital. He didn't have his short term memory, so he didn't understand why he had to wear a neck brace. Because of this he would try to take the neck brace off constantly which resulted in us having to tie his hands down to the bed. Somedays he would be great and we would all laugh and share memories. Other days he was downright awful and would yell and scream at the nurses who were just trying to help. He would have "obsessions" with different objects or scenarios each day- whether he felt there were mice all over him, everything he talked about related to airplanes, or he would treat everyone and every scenario as if he were giving a powerpoint presentation at work.
Our family has the great opportunity to have The Gospel of Jesus Christ in our lives. This brought us peace in a time of trial. I remember seeing some other families come out cursing God and getting mad at Him. Our family was firm in our faith of the Plan of Salvation and if our dad did die, that we would see him again. This is one thing that I am grateful for- my testimony of God's plan for his children grew by leaps and bounds.
Throughout the past 6 years, I have become "used" to the dad that I have now. He likes to spend time with himself whether it be hiking, gardening, or inventing something new around the house. He has completely lost any emotional capabilities which has put a huge strain on my mom. There hasn't been much of a relationship between the two of them for the past 6 years. All of us kids became numb to the situation and just continued on with our lives.
This past November, I was helping my friend Andra move and we started talking about my parents. She asked me if I ever thought my parents would get a divorce and I firmly said "No! My mom would never do it, so it won't happen". Completely disregarding the fact that my dad, although mentally different, still had his free agency, or ability to choose. The next morning I called my mom to see how she was and she couldn't stop crying. She told me that my dad had told her the day before that he wanted a divorce. We both lost it. How could I be so sure of something the night before and then to find out that the complete opposite was about to happen?
Well, it's now the beginning of April and I just barely went and saw my dad's "New" place above The Gateway Mall. 5 1/2 years ago my dad would have NEVER left his sanctuary of a house up in the mountains to move above the mall. None of this seems real but at the same time it seems so real that it smacks me in the face sometimes.
My heart breaks for my mom because it's not like she has done anything horribly wrong, and neither has my dad. He is just confused and sick. This is so hard for me to write because I don't want anyone to think my dad is some horrible person for leaving his family. Because he is not that person at all. He just has a mental sickness caused by a horrible fall.
Sometimes I feel like I am "drowning" with everything that is going on around me. I feel overwhelmed with my feelings of what is going on and it is leading to me being overly stressed with every other aspect in my life. I struggle to have a desire to want to be productive in all aspects of my life. I just never thought that this issue would affect me as badly as it has. Like I said before, this is something that happens to other people. Not me. I'm stronger than letting something like this get me down. This is what I am struggling with.
Last night my whole family (Minus Craig and Emily) stayed after Sunday dinner and played games for several hours- with my mom and dad- and I can't help but think, "Why can't it always be like this?". But instead of my mom and dad going home together, my dad packed up his little cooler of ice that is his temporary refrigerator, and took off to downtown SLC.
I think the thing that I need to walk away with most from this situation is this:
Life is so precious. So so so precious. Every second with your loved ones is precious. In a matter of 5 seconds from when my dad was up on the climb and then when he was laying on the ground, my world has changed. We never know when we might not be able to see our loved ones again- we just need to live life to the fullest.
I don't know if this helped. I still feel like I am drowning and I am on the verge of tears. But I hope that this can be the first step of healing. Getting my feelings out there. I feel very vulnerable right now with putting this out there. I am strong. But I feel so weak right now- especially knowing that in 2 seconds, my friends and family will be able to read about how I am struggling.
I guess I will never get anywhere in life if I don't take risks...
